How are you?
I see many of your posts on Facebook and even when I am not posting I say prayers and send you love and light.
Where do I begin? Well, I’ve been having writer’s block so please bear with me. This will be my first of many attempts to write a blog post in well over a month. It isn’t my best work but here goes.
A few weeks ago our house was robbed. I really can’t call it a break-in because I left the door unlocked. We have a very large and sturdy gate out front so it gave me a sense of security. The only way to get in was to go over the gate or a fence. I didn’t expect that to happen but somehow it did.
I felt stupid for being careless, but above all I didn’t like the feeling of having our space violated. For the next few weeks, I was totally paranoid about locking doors and not leaving out items that might be tempting to take if someone saw them through the window.
At the time of the break-in, things felt like they were spinning out of control. Our business had continued to tank and the pressure was on in ways it hadn’t been in years. We were in that place of cutting every thing we could and still coming up short.
As you know Richard and I have worked side by side for the last several years. He worked with me at ArrowHawk, he edited and published the book, and he is one of my dearest and closest friends. A part of me always knew when he came that he wouldn’t be there forever.
At the beginning of summer Richard came and told me that it was best for him to work part time. The money just wasn’t there to pay him. I felt horrible that we had gotten to that point financially. Along with my guilt was fear that I couldn’t do it without him. I hadn’t been in charge of everything in that way since 2007, right before Griffen died. A lot of things had happened in the following years that toppled my confidence in my ability to run a business — Griffen, BMW, financial decimation, litigation, the IRS, Lee’s depression, and my own depression. I think you get the picture. Every single one of those incidences chipped away at my mind.
More than anything I want the people I love and those that I don’t even know to be happy and enjoy their lives. When Richard came a few weeks later to tell me that he was leaving completely I told him the same thing. Internally, I was wondering if my mind could wrap around things that no longer seemed like old hat to me but I never showed him that. I wanted Richard to feel good and showered him with my appreciation. I love him!
ArrowHawk had become super stressful and I knew that. When he signed on he didn’t sign on for all that was to come. I was so grateful for the time he had been there. He took care of ArrowHawk. He helped me achieve my dream of writing a book and was my shoulder to cry on when I didn’t think I could take another thing. I don’t know a lot of people who would have stayed as long as he did. Most would have bailed the first few months but he didn’t.
I set about the next few weeks relearning how to do what I thought I couldn’t and thank God it was still there. Day by day I’ve found a place inside of me that can handle cranky customers, bill collectors who are losing their patience, and the day to day operations.
Richard and I sat down for dinner a couple of weekends ago and he said this to me, “Most people run away from a problem. You run through it!” It is true, but I don’t always see that in myself. Just last week I was having a crying fit driving up Highway 14 because I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t think I could take one more thing. I’m sure the oncoming traffic wondered if someone had died.
As I turned to get on the northbound lane of I 385 I literally asked out loud, “God, what more do you want from me? What do you want? You have my heart in your hand. I practice kindness and love. I forgive and I pray. I try to show others the joy that comes from knowing you. What more can I do?” The silence that followed was deafening. I sat still and waited. And then I heard that little voice say, “You are doing it. You are putting one foot in front of the other even when you are terrified. You are continuing to find the opportunity in the obstacles. You just have to keep going and know that all truly is well and that God has a plan for you.”
A wave of peace washed over me. Somehow I knew that I had turned more than the corner to get on I-385. The days have come when I feel crumpled and broken. In those moments I do my best to be still. Being still for just a few moments somehow brings peace and that peace gets me through the moment. With each hard moment has come a beautiful one.
I’m grateful to God for the time I had with Richard and even more grateful to know that we will always be lifelong friends.
Thank you for reading.
I hope you are having a beautiful day!