I Wanted Him to Die — Confronting the Dark Part of Me

January 30, 2017

I came from a background where money was scarce at times, and there was always fear there would not be enough. My granny saved everything from mayonnaise jars to matches. She hoarded because The Great Depression left a mark on her that no amount of time or money in the world could have ever have erased. She lived her life in fear that another horrific time would come and there would not be enough and if so she wanted to be prepared.

As I have lived my life and had the honor of others sharing theirs with me, I have learned that we are all marked by something. Some of us are marked by a lot of somethings. We might not want to admit it or realize it, but it is the stone cold truth. The marks we have make us seek the light or drive us away from it.

It could have been growing up poor, gay, black, brown, perhaps a victim of child molestation. It could be another form of abuse or a person whose religious beliefs did not gel with what society deems proper. You might have lived in a household with a mentally ill parent or parents or a parent who for whatever reason wasn’t able to give you the love you needed. Maybe you didn’t have a parent at all. I am sure there are multiple other scenarios. Those are just people I’ve known.

We’ve entered a time where fear seems to be driving us deeper and deeper into the darkness and further and further away from the light. We have a deep loathing of each other.

I keep asking myself why we have to choose sides? Why can’t we just step up and be the caretaker of our fellow human travelers? Why can we not see each other like little children who are lost and trying to find our way? Has life and the world so marked and broken us that we no longer have the ability or heart to truly love thy neighbor as thyself?

I know that I can’t understand what it is like to be ____ until I have been there and am in no way trying to say that I know it all. That is far from the truth. I’m just trying to use my experiences and brokenness to help.

My prayer is that we could all reach someone who is walking in fear and the dark instead of the light. I do know a little about that. I’ve got some real dark places inside of me.

Back in 2007, I actually considered encouraging my daddy to fulfill his promise of avenging my little brother’s death and killing the young man who was the last one to see Griffen alive. I feel shame just admitting that, but it is true. I was in great pain, and my mind told me that if that young man were taken off the Earth, it would make me all better. It was a lie — my mind was tricking me into thinking such. The darkness was overtaking my light. My Soul knew that the way out of my pain was to bring it to the light and to do so I had to see the darker parts of me.

Darkness cannot survive the light!

I took my pain, and my pen and I wrote a book. I learned a whole lot about the F word — Forgiveness.  (That will be another post.)

I think our minds and fear are telling us some pretty dark things right now. I beg you to sit with your thoughts and ask yourself if it is your Soul or you mind doing the talking. In the silence, you will find that regardless of what fear and our marks tell us, God speaks love and nothing else.

Lots of love!


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