One of the scariest things I have experienced in life is change. Some people thrive on it. Life becomes boring to some if it becomes routine. Not me!!! It frightens the crap out of me when things becomes chaotic and I don’t know what the next moment might bring. The truth is I thought I had conquered the fear monster. NOT! Just when I am getting on what feels like more certain footing, fear rears its ugly head in some form and I start to feel my feet slipping beneath me.
I know if I sit back and embrace it, everything works out in the end — maybe not always the way I expect it to, but it does. It is the embracing it part that I am still learning in Life Class 111.
When I am feeling that I am failing I try to see the bigger picture. There is no doubt there has been quite a bit of trauma in my life. Aside from the deaths that would have seemed a part of the natural order of life I have seen:
A traumatic brain injury up close and personally — too up close and personally.
Four sudden and unexpected deaths, one of those by suicide.
Breakdowns and breakthroughs in those that I loved, including me.
Business failure and financial chaos — there is nothing quite like an IRS agent telling you that you could go to jail. Just the thought makes my adrenals rev up a notch.
I’ve told myself that just one of those would have been enough to test the metal of a person. As I look through the list, I appreciate the strength God gave me to get through it all.
I will always remember the day Richard asked me if I had heard the quote, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results.” And yet we do the same thing, thinking something is eventually going to change. My conclusion is that the only thing that will bring real change is to change me. I have to embrace the unknown and even when my mind feels terror I must leap off the bridge and know there is a safety net below.
I’ve been working with Lee since early on in our relationship. A lot of people said we wouldn’t be able to work together and stay married. It worked and I wouldn’t take anything for our time together. But, time has made me aware that I can’t be completely committed to my life’s purpose of helping others if I am behind a desk in an office and only encounter a finite number of folks. So, with a lot of nausea, some loss of sleep, and realizing that I am still a member of the worry club, I stepped back and stepped out. I took a leave of absence from my job.
The truth is I have been absent for some time. Richard knew it and covered my slack. Lee knew it — he lives with me. Everyone in my intimate circle knows I’ve felt burnt out and used up with nothing left to give. Somehow the fake-it-til-I make-it scene just wasn’t cutting it for me anymore. I had begun to feel like I was drowning and knew if I didn’t soon make a change my life was going to slowly seep out of me. Some of it already had and I saw the signs. Multiple bouts of bronchitis, feelings of depression, and anxiety were telling me that I couldn’t stay the course I was on. So I made a change. When you take steps to make changes, things sometimes get worse before they get better. Lord don’t I know that. Still, I have to stay the course to know that no matter what everything will work itself out.
I’m not sure where this new path will lead me.
I believe we are all given a mission here and our lives are constantly steering us in the direction of that mission. It can be extremely painful and frightening when something comes to an end. But what if that ending must take place in order for a new beginning? I’ve made it through the corridor of uncertainty and feel like I am stepping through the door of “welcome to your life.”
I still feel a bit queasy and unsure, but I’m trusting that just as in all other uncertain times in my life, God will show me the way.
Much love!
Kim
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